2004-05-25 [mywolfalways]: I agree with that, [the 5th apocalyptic horseman]. I just wanted to support her. ^_^

2004-05-26 [eyes of frost]: ....the whole muahaha thing wa just kind there...the part about the hands, the squash head had taken her down and held her in his hands and then dropped her....sorry about the italics though..didnt come out....the thought about the red hair was just an aside thought..you'll find alot of those as i keep going. Demitrie you will find out soon enough about him. the first paragraphs in the third chapter are kindof explaining what was going on while she was there. I think thats it....thinks about it....yea! if you all have anymore questions please write them to me and i will be sure to look at and address them! ^_^

2004-05-26 [the 5th apocalyptic horseman]: lol thanks. i kinda liked the muahahaha thing... thats not what i was agreeing with above.

2004-05-26 [mywolfalways]: Chapter Four: Overall, a good chapter. I like where the plot seems to be going. I’m very interested in reading further. The use of cursing when writing description is distracting to the reader, even if it is written in first person. Cursing within quotations is, generally, better accepted.

2004-05-26 [mywolfalways]: My personal thought is that you really need to add more interaction with the characters. Although there is a little more interaction written in here, it’s not the kind of detail that will help the reader understand the relationships between the characters. Much of the interaction throughout this piece is written in a passive manner, so it’s not as effective. For example, you have she and George agree to lift weights, but there is no description at all of what kind of exercises they did. If you had this kind of description written in, it would help pass the time in the head of the reader.

2004-05-26 [mywolfalways]: With the lack of description to explain the relationships between all the characters, it is harder for the reader to understand Lia’s reason for being so attached to everybody and not wanting to leave. More interaction needs to be added throughout the chapters between she and all the characters and, in my opinion, especially Schi-schi because the claim is continuously that they are best friends.

2004-05-26 [mywolfalways]: In the part where she is getting beaten, there is again the use of passive tense. Without quotes the words just aren’t as effective in conveying what is meant.

2004-05-26 [eyes of frost]: ok i think i understand all of what y ou just said....scratches head...this book is the first of a series of novels about the same charachters....i was told that you cant give away all of the details about someone in the first book although, maybe some more would be good. Would it sound better if i added more about her relationships or just leave it like that and explain more in the later chapters? Sorry about the passive tense. The story is supposed to be going along with what is happeneing to her sortof like an interview with the reporter following you and taking everything you say down like a story. Maybe a biography...(cant spell for crap)

2004-05-26 [eyes of frost]: the reason that Lia is so attached to everyone is explained i think in chapter nine which i have not put up yet... i might combine both of these pages into one and then make nine through whatever another page...gets so confused. I dont want to get yeled at for the page being to long though... Again if you have any questions or need something explained please feel free to write then! ^_^

2004-05-26 [mywolfalways]: In my opinion, you really need to put in more details. (my opinion) Especially with the relationships. Now that you've explained how it was intended to be written (like an interview), it makes sense; however, it still needs the details to gain the reader's attention. It's fine if the reader intended to read it all in one sitting, but most people don't read books like that, and while going chapter by chapter, I find it a bit hard to understand the kinds of relationships she has with each of the other characters. I'm one of those people who think that the story is more about the characters than the plot; you're going for more of the plot.

2004-05-26 [mywolfalways]: Nothing wrong with that. I'm really enjoying what's happening in this novel, but, you know. ^_~

2004-05-26 [the 5th apocalyptic horseman]: yeah. with the people inside the hospita its starting to shine through, but with some of the people... tis hard to undertstand

2004-05-26 [eyes of frost]: ok i have some advice...maybe you should read it chapter by chapter and then read it all the way through with what i have. Its just a suggestion. But i will gothrough and say more about the relationship with scing-mae. I think that should be explained. well have to go talk to you later! ^_^!!

2004-05-27 [mywolfalways]: Hmm...good point. *chuckles* 

2004-05-28 [the 5th apocalyptic horseman]: thanks... hmmm... im already wondering how it will go on with him... where he ended up and stuff...

2004-06-02 [mywolfalways]: Chapter Five: In the paragraph about the gun you repeated yourself; first, you say it in a passive voice, then in a past tense voice. Good writing with the guy who attacked her at the house. You didn't mention that you and Austion went inside until after you had taken your top off; this is confusing for the reader.

2004-06-02 [mywolfalways]: You have a wonderful talent to describe people in a realistic way. Both Austin and jamie I could see quite clearly in my mind. Peanut Butter Crunch: I have to say this was an excellent touch for this story. Everybody has a certain food that would be the one they crave after not having it for so long. This is a grand realistic touch to the story.

2004-06-02 [mywolfalways]: Typos: *shit = shirt, *bowel = bowl, and "To tired..." = too

2004-06-02 [the 5th apocalyptic horseman]: lol your a perfectionist. searching for typos everywhere. gotta change the ones on my stories now lol. i agree with the descriptions, theyre very good

2004-06-02 [eyes of frost]: actually i did mention that they were inside. I said that she attacked her attacker and that she went inside. Then stood up when she heard breathing behind her....i think...thanks for correcting the tyops...and thanks for what you said about the charaters. After reading books for years, you tend to get into descriptions

2004-06-03 [the 5th apocalyptic horseman]: yeah, i agree. i tend to write every little detail too and in that way exeed limits in contests lol. and i read that too that she went ionto the house...